Bathroom Ettiquete

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it.As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP isinevitable.For those who hate pooping at work,following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not inyour area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it camefrom. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart hasbeen expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has leftyour pants.

FLY BY:This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in andcheck for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave andcome back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People maybecome suspicious if they catch you constantly goin g into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal orforcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden waveof embarrassment. If you release an Escapee, do not acknowledge it.Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in theurinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an Escapee.It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makesboth parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. Thisis a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, donot panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom tospare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.This reduces the amount of air-time the poop has to stink up thebathroom.This can help avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have juststunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someonewalks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that thesmell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided withthe use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You willoften see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with anewspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around theoffice for the out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goesoff without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereaboutsof Out Of The Closet Poopers and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:A Safe Haven is a s eldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building whereyou can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of theopposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex enteringthe bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and triesto force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerablemoments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you willavoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that youare in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up aWATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is veryeffective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

WATERMELON:A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting thetoilet water. This is also an e mbarrassing incident. If you feel aWatermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

ASTAIRE:An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TurdBurglars that you are occupying a stall. This will end all doubt thatthe stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroomimmediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

HAVANA OMELET:A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toiletwater. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with anAstaire.

UNCLE TODD:An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirroror sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax whileon The Crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom isempty.This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps,as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.